In about 8 weeks I will have to see him, again, this man I fell so much in love with, who has gone back to his wife. We are both at events for a couple of days which are important to us work wise. The best result for both of us is that whatever we felt has gone . Yet I am as afraid that when we look at each other there will be nothing left as I am that it will all come rushing back.

He’s a master of compartmentalisation and distraction.  I know he already questions whether he is still in love with me and what love is at all. Not for him absence makes the heart grow fonder. It’s true – without generating love through communication, through seeing the person, it does start to fade. And it is his job to generate that with his wife now and not with me.

Our mutual acquaintances now see it as their job to take the gloves off and explain his faults in glorious technicolor particularly in relation to how he has treated me.  

On occasion I can see this  too but it is so in my nature to understand and to empathise that I can’t be angry for long. Loving him has become a habit – perhaps more accurately an addiction where not having the pain, the constant highs and lows now feels uncomfortable and perversely I can feel that part of me is unwilling to let it go. 

Last night I excised the last remains of him from my house and felt nothing. Two weeks on that is pretty good. There were big swathes of yesterday, particularly when I was presenting, where he wasn’t even in that small back part of my brain where he has been for so long – just there as a painful presence. I really didn’t think of him at all.

 I am pretty convinced the physical attraction we feel for each other will not have disappeared and that all sorts of feelings will come up from love to pain to hurt to regret to joy and fear at seeing each other again – all of which, if my future is no longer to be with him, I dread. Why then do I equally dread looking at him and feeling……nothing.


One thought on “Perversity

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