“If you really want to do something, you’ll find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.”
― Jim Rohn

A close colleague confided that he was concerned I was becoming a little manic.

It’s true, my mood swings are wild.

I go from abject misery to amazing lucidity in the blink of an eye.  From powerful, to powerless in an instant. From brilliantly strategic at work, to not being able to process the most basic facts. From hankering after him, to seeing him as absolutely not good enough for me. From stressfully wondering how I will cope with seeing him again, to laughing at the idea.

Yesterday was my birthday. I woke up crying, heard from him and wanted to call him so that he could see how miserable I was. By the time we actually spoke for ten minutes in the evening, I had had a wonderful night among colleagues in my industry and was laughing at the idea of how miserable he and his wife will be when he does go home.  Since then I’ve felt playful, teasing him on twitter through an alter ego. He starts it, realises that he’s gone too far and then halts.  How will either of us do without this? Will we?

Tonight there was a post on facebook which really spoke to me.

“If you really want to do something, you’ll find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.”
― Jim Rohn

It struck me that I have not fully wanted to explore the fact that, if it came to it, if he really really wanted to be with me, he would make it work so that he could. He would find a way. He would understand that when she threatens that he would have to drag her through the courts for me to see their children, that that was just her anger speaking. Perhaps in spite of their lack of conversation, lack of sex, lack of points of connection latterly, he is much more comfortable with the status quo than I could have imagined.

Sometimes it’s useful to look these things squarely in the face. Today that has given me some power. May it last a few days.

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