It always seems to be the way that when I work hard to create treats for my daughter, these are the days she is at her most dismissive and difficult. 

Yesterday after 3 hours of pony club I then took her swimming with dolphins. A dream day by anyone’s standards. She who is normally happy and lovely, spent much of the day whining. I became mired in self pity that I did not have a man with me to.tell her that her behaviour was unacceptable and that she should appreciate the lovely mum she has. 

This reminded me of a distinction I learnt in Landmark Education which is that a lot of the time we relate to our lives like there is something wrong. I will be happy when…I move, get a new job, a man.  From having been happy on my own with my great job, great daughter, great house, great friends, sex easy to come by, once I met him I hung all my happiness on being with him. I lived for 8 months with: I will be happy when he comes to me. That there was now “something wrong” in being single. 

The latest stats from ONS show that 51% of the uk of marriageable age is actually single. Yet everywhere I go I seem to be surrounded by couples.

With the amount of training I’ve had I should be better at creating happiness regardless of my circumstances. I’m very good at having fun and laughing no matter what is going on. It’s when I am alone or in my normal routine with my daughter that I have got into the habit of being stressed, anxious and sad.  And that has been the case throughout my life – always when it’s about love, not the rest of it…

 So what is working for me right now is to stay busy, see people, do things, read books, educate myself and go away plenty at the weekend. I’m extremely lucky I can do that. 

Yet I’m not sure how sustainable this is. When I look at the two friends I discussed in my last entry whose marriages are obviously struggling, they have clearly decided right now there is nothing to be  done and they will  be happy in spite of their circumstances.  They will  take pleasure elsewhere and enjoy their life anyway.  I seem unable to stop the canker of my recent heart break, now coupled with self pity for being single, not seep over into the rest of my life. 

The husband of the one from this week spent a lot of time giving me advice. It’s you first, then you, then you he said. Don’t try to fall in love, it doesn’t last, just take what you can for yourself. 

This is such the antithesis of my belief ….. but I do think I need to grow up a bit.


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