Perhaps it’s about time healing, that now I am only irregularly present to amazing moments between us or the fact that I have been regaled by so many sad stories recently,  but my rational brain is in charge this morning and a kind of peaceful numbness has descended.  Our brief time together filled with eggs on toast, walks, constant games and an awful lot of sex feeks like a kind of dream. I suspect to him it might feel like madness too. 

No one who has heard our story thinks that his marriage can be a satisfactory one for either party now and that it will break down. My lovely boss thinks I am handling the situation so well because I haven’t given up hope that he will come back to me, but what I am present to is the time that will take and the kind of life that will mean for me in the meantime.

His sister who sounds so lovely I wish we had met, told him back in august when he first told his wife he had feelings for me, that he needed to give it a solid 6 months – 3 months to try and 3 months when life was back to “normal” to see. I think that might be a conservative estimate. I also think his wife will hang on tooth and nail until she’s  sure I’m out of the picture as the idea of “losing” to me would be anathema.

 He has form on this. He told me he left his first wife after 9 months of “trying” but that was before 2 lovely children were involved.  I also have to face that even if it’s really bad he might feel stuck by children and money and stay forever…..

My friends are certain that he will not be able to leave me alone in this period. I think he will. He knows how much he’s hurt me and he doesn’t want to hurt me any more. Out of sight may be out of mind but once he sees me or talks to me he gets befuddled and his lack of clarity about what he wants is legend. He can’t afford that right now any more than I can.

There’s a Landmark term called the “already almost certain future”. It just means what is most likely to happen if everything continues the way it usually does. With our unavoidable meeting in 5 weeks time the most likely outcome is that we talk, we hug, we kiss. Three months later there’s an award ceremony with hotels involved… 

The already almost certain future is that I live from meeting to meeting and we have the same conversation “oh we are making progress, she’s still really unhappy; I hurt her so badly ; I need to make it up to her” . We kiss and both leave in a muddle. 

There may be a way round the conference by splitting our attendance. 

If rationality prevails I will offer this up and he will accept it. If rationality prevails I will resist all temptation to contact him for at least 6 months and focus on myself in the meantime. I’m not ready to date quite yet.

I may be surrounded by sad situations but  happier ones are possible…


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