I can only hope that the “flamenco hip hop” from last night which caused me such anguish and a truthful acknowledgement of my silent subconscious hopes, has caused a breakthrough.

I’ve had a lovely day today – undistracted aside from banter and a couple of glasses of wine at lunchtime, I’ve focused on my strategy document and put feelers out about some new content around mental health at my Big Show.

There are a few things I’m passionate about. First and foremost is that we live our lives with love, get mental barriers out of the way in order to generate possibility for ourselves. That we have the greatest life we can whilst we are here. I suppose you could call it emotional wellbeing but it feels like more than that. It feels like joy, vitality, love.

This passion has led me to lead introductions to the landmark forum in the past, form such loving relationships with my friends, colleagues and with my ex husband and outlaws, seek counselling and hypnotherapy when I could not see a way forward for my life. It’s led me to scrabble around for ways to get over my current unhappiness as quickly as possible. 

My struggle and most of those I know has generally come from a place of wellness. I think I may have been slightly depressed at the end of my marriage  recovering from a very traumatic birth and living in a different country. I believe my brain lost the habit for happiness – a bit like it has developed a habit for angst over the last few months – but a gradual change in circumstances righted that  as it will here too.

I have some small insight into the completely debilitating effect of depression – my ex husband is very prone and my sister has issues too. Without our mental health the world is an awful place. 

Last month I attended a session about emotional wellbeing at work being touted by a friend of mine in Cambridge  and this week was at the Barbican for a debate led by Mind and Action for Happiness about mental health. I discovered that only 15% of those suffering from an issue are being treated. That initiatives have been started to help patients  but problems include professional standards, tracking of success rates and a general lack of access to therapy. This on top of the stigma.

 This feels like a campaign to put myself behind. This and creating networks for women at work which I have had huge interest in for the Big Show – we had to put on two dates in the end.

I don’t intend to sound arrogant but I have the capacity to be an agent for change. Not transformational perhaps but change nonetheless.  I’ve resisted it because most of me is just dying to devote myself to one man and make him happy. The two seem mutually exclusive because I’ve believed that to attract a man I need to keep myself small. 

Whether it’s character is destiny, my subconscious mind, or a path laid out for me the next steps for me seem to be getting clearer.

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