Several friends have told me they check this blog out every day . They have said they love my writing. I’m getting about 50 visitors a day so someone is reading.
A contrary friend who always makes me laugh said : bleurch it’s all me me me and not in a good way.
I’m now 4 weeks in and functioning far better than I could have imagined but I clearly have not yet moved on. It’s still all about me and him; about my heartbreak: trying to find meaning, a way through. In my defence I consider him to be the love of my life. I despair of finding someone I want to talk to spend time with, to have sex with as much as I do with him. But he’s not mine and arguably was never mine.
When I started this I don’t think I expected that 4 weeks on it would still all be about him . It is irritating. I look at him and his lack of resolve and clarity. I look at her with her desperate clinging on and her hatred of me and I think – ah you don’t have my training. I spent years coaching people in Landmark’s transformational technologies and look at how much wiser I am. And yet clearly I’m not. 4 weeks on I am still obsessed.
And objectively I know that all this focus on myself and my own happiness is not the way to bring happiness. That the presents life has given me in the last few weeks have been where I’ve been intellectually curious, talking to people in a way which makes a difference to them not just to me, in “flow” at work or doing that presentation to the year 9’s.
I’m going to blow my own trumpet now. I’ve a few talents to offer. I’m good with speaking and writing, great at creating community and relationships, brilliant at galvanising teams to deliver. Surely there is a more worthwhile focus for me than , as my lovely daughter calls him “that random dude who really hurt you mum”.
My job does make some difference in the industry I’m in which is a worthwhile one. I can certainly influence the working lives of my colleagues too but there has to be more I can put my talents to.
The inauthenticity (landmark term) I am suffering from is that the only thing worth having in life is a loving partnership. If I don’t have that what is the point in anything at all.