It’s been more than a week since I wrote and truth is I’ve been too embarrassed to write. How can a woman with all the gifts I have had in my life over the past six weeks still be fundamentally so very sad?

My dreams allude to him all the time – often not explicitly but they are always disturbed and I wake up with that tortured feeling.

It could be that it’s now less than three weeks till I see him again and the thought makes my eyes well. It could be that I haven’t allowed myself time to really grieve so determined have I been to be happy again as quickly as possible. It could be that it really now is a couple of weeks since we even indirectly communicated. 

I am so concerned with managing my mind and keeping busy, counting my blessings, being in the moment… The grief is squeezing itself out through my dreams and now manifesting itself in the tightest of clenched jaws.

Why am I so afraid of seeing him? Because I’m afraid he will say things are going well and he will never leave her? Because I’m afraid he will say it’s hard work and he misses me on occasion but that he has to give it plenty of time? Because i”m afraid he will still want me and afraid he won’t want me. Afraid he will have set himself up in a way which ensures he’s not  open to temptation …. and that he won’t have set himself up. 

All of the outcomes seem awful. Yet that indicates I still harbour hope in his direction. If I didn’t what he did and didn’t do; what he said snd didn’t say, would be irrelevant to me.

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