How many times have I sensed something has shifted, only to be back at square one or two?
I spent the weekend with my life-enhancing new french friend and it was a true mix of happiness and sadness.
I was back in the town where my marriage started – I have not been back for 8 years – and was overwhelmed with a sense of nostalgia for dreams of a forever life together. I realise I struggle between my nomadic and settling tendencies. My life has had so many beginnings with implied adventure and excitement, but also endings which are usually sad.
Usually I can just be grateful and excited for the opportunities life has afforded me. I’ve lived in many different places, traveled widely, experienced many things – some of which made me cry with gratitude and joy. But a key part of my relationship with him – and his life is not at all like that – was the vision of settling down, of finally resting somewhere for good and building together. It would have been a much quieter life, but I wanted that. I wonder which is the chicken and which the egg? Has not finding that person to share my life with turned me into a nomad or am I just not someone who will ever really settle?
During the weekend I was struck with flashbacks to the good parts of our relationship. Walks in the country, overnights in a B&B, the time he called me a lady and I told him I didn’t like that and the whole pub laughed. I wondered and wondered – how far can he put all that away entirely? Does he put it down to a period of madness? Does he blame me for what happened? My french friend says I need answers from him. I don’t know; I know well enough now that what he feels today is not necessarily how he feels tomorrow. That what he says is not necessarily what he does. That reading the runes in terms of a hat he is and isn’t capable of, or will ultimately do, is not something I have in my power. Nor I suspect does he.
I’m afraid of meeting him at my very important big event and crying. My emotions are so close to the surface it is a real risk.
My cousin through my ex husband practices something called EMDR. It’s recommended by NICE for post traumatic stress disorder. She’s just had a further training session and says it is brilliant for clearing ordinary issues too. She has convinced me that in a couple of sessions she can get me to a place where the emotions around him are gone. I’m going to try this and if that doesn’t work I will have to ask him if we can meet before hand . I don’t want to have to ask. Partly because I’m ashamed of the feelings I still have, also because he will have promised his wife not to and I don’t want to put him in that position.