Yesterday evening, on the sofa, I had a proper big wailing type of crying session. I realised yesterday that I am dealing with this in a similar way to the way I dealt with my marriage breakup. I felt in both cases that I had suffered enough during it and that now it was over I didn’t want to suffer any more.
In the case of my marriage that resulted in a kind of numb stupor which I finally gave way to after six months of no tears and still acted like everything was fine. This lack of acknowledgement of what was really going on, which when I think of it, is a thread through my life, ultimately resulted in a year of throat infections wherein i regularly lost my voice.
This time I have dived into busyness. Tried new things, worked some stuff out about myself, started campaigning, done all the things which make me happy. And the results have been on several occasions I’ve thought I was almost over it and on several occasions I’ve been inspired and happy.
But 6 weeks in, my teeth and jaws are so clenched that I am developing migraines. Every time I think of how it will be to see him I have to fight back tears no matter who I’m with.
Yesterday I looked up stress related bruxism (teeth grinding). It’s no surprise to see that it is symptomatic of “avoidance” methods of dealing with stress and anxiety. Hence the decision last night to let some of it out.
Tonight I’m driving with my poor daughter down to my cousin with her new EMDR specialism to see if I can start getting clear. If I feel no better on Wednesday I am calling him to see if we can meet before hand.