I cried a lot on Tuesday night. The EMDR was curiously calming but it did mean bringing up the grief I feel for all my failed love affairs! I felt lonely, hopeless, humiliated and tired.
I spoke to him today so we could plan how we will be with each other in a couple of weeks. I felt numb afterwards, then more grief. He says he is in a much better place (with the implication – than when he was with me). He’s doing a phased return home. I sensed his determination.
It’s a beautiful day today and I felt sick all day then there was a drink with colleagues in the bright sunshine and I suddenly realised I didn’t feel so bad any more.
I finally faced reading an email from my critical friend who likes to provide metaphorical slaps and he said Basta – enough is enough. It’s your choice to stay stuck.
So I am questioning this. Every day I see aphorisms about it being my choice to be happy. And yet for all my avoiding strategies – running around doing things I love – I could not stop the grief seeping out by itself in clenched jaws and involuntary tears and nightmares. I wonder sometimes if there isn’t a process to go through and that you can’t tell someone just to pull their socks up.
From all I’ve read too much emotion spills over from a chemical reaction in the amygdala and by working on other parts of the brain you can start to control that. Rightly or wrongly, I don’t just want to push this experience under the carpet, but want to use it to ensure that I put myself in a position to attract the right kind of man and to have a truly fulfilling partnership next time around. That means I need to process it properly. Or does it. Who knows?
However I have to say that his little quote at the end did give me reason to smile, inspired me and I will plaster it everywhere
‘Basta, I’m not doing this anymore! This is not who I am.’ and move on….
Where my dear friend is right of course is that whilst there is a process, it truly is not the best idea to wallow .
However I have to say I am starting to bore myself – and that has to be a good sign;)