I can take a very long time to process what I’m feeling. I usually accept with complete equanimity whatever is thrown at me and then it hits me later.
This morning I’ve woken up feeling the weight of everything and I’m numb, tearful, exhausted and have a sore throat. Tonight I’ve got an awards dinner to go to so need to be on sparkling form.
It’s a combination of so many factors.
The year’s work which culminated in such a triumph feels bitter sweet. I have no idea how we top it and I’m not sure I want to try. The industry feels so tied up with the one I love (d). There’s lots to be done now – to tie up the ends on this one and start creating a new one. Lots of small fires smouldering which will turn incendiary if I don’t deal with then now.
Meanwhile I have become a keeper of secrets, a counsellor to those who so wonderfully counselled me and I feel the weight of their unhappiness too.
My friends, so ignored for the first four months of this year whilst I was anxiously awaiting any time at all I could spend with him (Him) are getting irritable – when, when, when … and I’m in overwhelm.
I’m mad at “him”. He’s chosen a life of repression in order to keep the status quo in place. He’s having to stop himself writing, speaking, using twitter; staying away for the night; having a few drinks; he’s accepting no sex, no laughter…. He could have had it all if only he could have been clear. But I need to be clear he’s chosen. He’s chosen. He’s chosen. I get to chose how to be with that.
But worst of all, I feel on the cusp of something work wise. I don’t know how intuition works so effectively but when I was first separated I likened it to being in a chrysalis and I knew I would emerge bigger and brighter than before, that that period of nothingness was ok. Now my intuition tells me that something is going to shift on the work front again – a bigger game. It’s sad because it’s once more on the work front and not romance. Once more all my competences are aligning with no shift in my incompetences. My coach thinks I’m millimetres away from transformation in that area. I think she’s optimistic.