I’m not sure what I’m feelng but what I do know is that my resilience, equanimity and happiness have returned.

It could be time passing, the success of the big show, a perfect mini break with a friend, my house getting in order, a plethora of potential and actual dates to enjoy … Or it could be the fact that I’m  pretty clear that it’s my choice whether to see He who shall not be named again or not.

I’m shocked at the cruelty and indifference he’s showing his wife when one of the things I first admired about him was integrity. That integrity has gone completely, shot to pieces on the altar of his lack of courage and inability to chose or stick to his choice.

So the day he’s due to move back home to her we met briefly for no more than an hour on a work related topic which could have been addressed over the phone. Ostensibly the goal is to see if we can be friends. Which we can’t. Two hours later I get a call saying how moved he was by seeing me, how he hasn’t stopped thinking about me all afternoon and can we meet after work again ? Since then his texting and emailing (back to mostly work related) have become more  frequent, has multiple suggestions about meeting, and I am pretty sure that he will shortly end up where he started – namely being kicked out again. He must subconsciously desire this in order for him to be playing such a ridiculously dangerous game .

Apparently they have now had sex and it was better with me. Well there’s a surprise. Sex worked particularly well for us and particularly badly for them.

I have made it very clear that if he did get thrown out again he would not be welcome at my door. I’m no longer the bright eyed, naively in love person I was.  I know his weakness and indecision and the havoc it has wrought for all of us.  I know the misery and disappointment of believing him. As she will or does too

I do still love him. But it’s a much more jaundiced feeling. I don’t count on it or him and I’m busy dating other men. No real successes so far but I’m a fussy woman and rightly so in my view.

But I’m happy, stronger, more resilient than ever .

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