A few minutes from now,”He” is having a vasectomy. He doesn’t want any more children, hates condoms and his wife’s theory about why their sex life was so crap was because she was tense about getting pregnant.

I can’t help but feel slightly  sad. And how f**ked up is that?

I’m 46 so the chances of my having another are slim in the extreme. I have all sorts of physical ailments which would be made terrible by another pregnancy. But somewhere in my heart I nurtured the dream of a baby with him- you do when you love someone, don’t you?

He’s not mine anyway, he’s chosen to be with her. And this choice to have a vasectomy feels like a further statement of intent to stay. But how muddled is he? To be having a vasectomy to improve things between him and his wife, at the same time as still telling me he thinks it has a shelf life on it and he will ultimately be with me? If you judge someone’s intentions by their actions as opposed to their words then his are very muddled. His intention is to keep his family together. But his actions are all over the place. Impetuous is his middle name and he impetuously rushes between trying to do the right thing to rescue his marriage and finding it impossible not to talk to me.  I believe that no matter how good his intentions, they are undermined by his clear lack of love for his wife (how can he love her when he is treating her so cruelly) and love for me instead. Integrity comes when thoughts, words and actions are all aligned.  His are all out of kilter.

How awful is it to feel love for someone at the same time as contempt? I am contemptuous of his weakness. If I could write how this story will go, it will be that he will again be chucked out. How do you class an affair? Is it just the physical meeting of bodies, or the ongoing confiding in someone who is not your wife? I know what she would say. And at some point she will see a text, email, dials to the same number…

Only at the point of this “chucking out” she will have the full force of righteousness on her side. Last time, she could have been said to have neglected him, to have been a misery to live with. Now, as far as I am aware, she is making a little more effort. (Whilst all the while complaining not about the affair he’s had, but about his lack of assistance in keeping their super pristine house in order!) 

Imagine then having got caught for a second time. the difficulties he would have with all her friends and family, his own as well?  

If only he could stand up and say to her, I love you but not in the way I love her. I’m struggling to let her go. Can we work something out where I can be with her? How much more powerful would that be? He’s doing his best but can’t help his feelings….. Whereas the type of self sabotage he is now involved in will once again bring the worst of all worlds for all.

And how on earth have I got myself embroiled in caring one way or the other? He’s having a vasectomy – as we speak.  It’s a decision he and she have made together. I have not had any say in it.  How does someone with a beautiful daughter, great job, lots of friends, two houses, loving relationship with their ex, not bad looking (about a 7;)) allow themselves to be dangled in this way?

I’m torn. You can’t chose who you love it’s true. I’ve been in love 3 times in my life and he’s one of them. It doesn’t happen often. I’ve met, oh, in excess of 30 men on dates in the recent past… no one comes close for me to the experience I have with him.

Yet I look at him objectively and know now in my heart he is not worthy. And he’s really really not. Can I open my heart properly to someone who is worthy whilst he still lurks around in the background? How much of my current equilibrium is due to my ongoing ability to have him in my life in some way, shape or form? My best friend says that contempt will overtake love soon. That could only be good as the vestiges of love I have for him don’t serve me.


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