Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a lake and came across a lost Chinese city. It was a magical moment of ecstasy and I am still feeling delighted now. I had an extremely happy day at work yesterday. Walking home from the station I felt completely relaxed and happy looking at the front gardens filled with flowers, bees and butterflies. (I had had a couple of glasses of wine at the pub!)
My slight sadness the day before, over his decision to have a vasectomy which resulted in a rant about his weakness, was extremely short lived and I’m so happy that that small dip just highlights the disappearance of the awful angst I felt constantly for 9 months prior to his decision to go back to his wife.
I have absolutely no idea how their relationship will go and whether they will stay together or not. What I do know is that he will never not see me or talk to me if I want to talk to him. He will never forget me. He will always harbour memories of the very good times we had together and which I gave him. He will always compare me with her and she will come up wanting. That has no bearing on whether he stays or goes – his time with his children still outweighs anything I can give him – his decision is still Hobson’s choice.
But knowing that he will always be there if I want him makes it more possible to do without him. I have not contacted him at all – he calls me from time to time. I don’t rush to read texts he’s written or to reply. I very much expect there will be quite a while before we speak again and I am looking forward to sunny days spent with my daughter, friends and In my job which I love.
I feel empowered by the fact that it’s my choice whether to see or speak to him. Just as it’s possible at a moment’s notice to find a date with someone else. I’m not over him. If he were to leave her I would be delighted. But only in circumstances where she had fully let him go. My opinion of him is also very tarnished.
Right now though I am just living in the present, optimistic about the future whatever it brings and enjoying each moment.