This morning I’m angry with myself and him.
So much for my choice over whether I see him or talk to him. So much for knowing in any comparison she will come up wanting …
I took a tearful call very early this morning. I’m not sure how it lasted 50 minutes – he wanted to drag it out because he thinks it’s the last time we will speak for a while.
He hates himself and is very sad. Of course this was not going to work for him still talking to me and wanting to see me at the same time as moving back in with his wife. It turns out she lets him stay for a few days at a time then tells him he has to leave again. I suspect subconsciously he’s angry about that. She doesn’t want him back until they are both sure; he feels that they can’t tell if it’s going to work or not until they put both feet in . She has trust issues apparently. Well ha bloody ha.
Once again the same litany. I haven’t given it a proper chance with her until I fully let you go. Correct. I need to do that – to really try everything – before I can come to you with any sense of peace – if I ever do come to you. We’ve got things planned with family and friends over the next couple of weekends. I can’t do that and talk to you without hating myself.
It was working for me. I still had him in my life confiding in me. I knew at some point it would blow up again. I knew at some point he would be back to me.
Any suggestion of mine that maybe it’s time to tell her he can’t be without me, how can he really love her when he has been doing what he has done to her over the last few weeks is cut off abruptly: no I need to do this.
I’m not sure why I didn’t expect this. I suspect because it was really him driving this reunion between us. But I found myself wanting to cut the conversation short – ducking his questions about my day, my holiday…. I’m just so jaundiced with his merry go round now. This must be the twentieth time over the last year to 18 months we’ve had the “we can’t talk” debate. Our record is 6 weeks.
Is my love for him finally dead? I don’t know. I just feel anger and contempt right now. The urge to communicate which had come upon me again has gone entirely. After all there are surely only so many times love can survive being “dumped” every few weeks!
I’m back to where I was pre show. Thinking of him as inhabiting a different world to mine. Back to not feeing the need. I’m probably upset. I don’t know – a further death of hope reignited .
I’m thinking also, it’s all very well having contempt for him but what about for the woman who let’s herself be treated in this way… ? I mean me not her. Being picked up, loved and dangled for a few weeks before being shut out again. A pattern for at least the last full year now.
Am I finally at the point of not just knowing but “owning” that I’m worth more? I thought I was there before – perhaps I needed one further humiliation.
I just stopped short of cutting him off without a goodbye today. Surely anger is a good sign.