Yesterday afternoon I was crushed and I completely crashed. Bed at 5pm. A combination of a terrible week and a bad period.
This morning i woke up still muddle headed, exhausted and slightly crazed, with a terrible desire to let his wife know he’s been developing a relationship with me again. I wish I could say that yesterday’s sense of Buddhist rising above it all was what stopped me. It is the knowledge instead, that if I did, no relationship could survive such a nasty act.
I was looking back at how this has taken over, chewed me up and spat me out again. That whilst the feelings started 18 months ago, it kicked off in earnest between us at the July company summer party last year. After a few weeks of joy we started a three month pattern of fighting it – not talking and then talking. The highs and lows of that period were absolute torture.
Then a month of indulging in December followed by him being found out and kicked out. 10 days of pure hell as he couldn’t decide what to do culminating in him coming reluctantly to me. He lasted a day. Then 3 weeks later deciding he really loved me, he moved in and then followed one ecstatic month where we loved each other so much. That for me was the taste of how things could have been between us and it breaks my heart they aren’t so.
In March his wife wanted him back – which resulted in dreadful conflict for him – he was in physical pain. Finally he caved and left me in April. 6 weeks of no talking where by the end I really felt almost recovered – followed by him trying to drive a reconciliation in June and July whilst also trying to move back in with his wife.
It’s easy to say he’s a miserable wretch who is beneath contempt for having been so weak over the last year. But I understand him and his dilemma all too well. He knows the right thing to do is to cut me out entirely and work on his marriage. To declare that it can’t be saved before embarking on anything further with me – if indeed it can’t be saved. But he and I fall so easily into talking and laughing followed by loving and it’s a lot of pleasure and connection to say goodbye to.
A worse man would just do both. A stronger man would make one decision and stick to it.
He’s always tried to do the right thing in life – as have I – but has never been tested like this before where his duty and part of his feelings lie in one direction and a whole lot of other feelings in the other.
The problem is that we are bound to bump into each other again in 3 months, 6 months or a year. The likelihood is something starts up again. His marriage might have improved but it will never improve to the extent that rekindling something with me won’t be enormously attractive.
In November I tried to end it with him. I wrote out the probable almost certain future for our relationship. I predicted it perfectly and it came to pass as i said – only it was longer and more painful than I could ever have predicted.
So my prediction now is that if we rekindle something In the future he still won’t feel he can leave. That we will simply embark on the same pattern again.
I believe the decision is in her hands . He will only leave with impunity if she lets him go . All the signs are that she won’t do that. I suspect even if he tells her he’s been seeing me again she will still take him back . She must already know in her heart she can’t trust him but be willing to live with that.
The ability to completely wash him out of my hair and stick to my guns is also. In my gift too. It just takes one of us to find the strength. I only wish my anger and contempt would last more than a couple of days. They are always quickly overtaken by empathy, understanding and love. And who am I to talk about his lack of consistency ? You only have to read a week of this blog to know I am no better than he is.