It would be nice if this were the last entry in which he figures. I wonder.

I must stop checking out his twitter. We both believe we can tell what is going on with each other by reading the most anodyne entries. On Sunday I read him as having been trying to ingratiate himself and re establish his old life.

I realised his biggest fault is his overriding desire to please and his inability to know exactly what he wants and then stand up for that. This affair started because he was unconscious of his own unhappiness and whilst he got glimpses of it he could not be a stand for resolving it. He said that this weekend he was going to tell her he needed to move in or move on. I hope he has. That would show some strength. Even more I hope he’s told her the truth.

I am not in the french camp – that what the eye doesn’t  see the heart doesn’t grieve – and sit firmly in believing that the truth always sets you free.

My daughter tells lies of expedience all the time. She does not believe me when I say I  tell the truth.  I’m not saying I blurt – it’s usually considered – there is a filter between brain and mouth but I know  the truth is incredibly powerful.

My daughter was conceived from the truth. Her dad and I had not had sex for months. We had been living a pretence both trying hard to please the other, trying to make our marriage work whilst slowly dying inside. One day we sat together on Cremorne Point, in Sydney’s beautiful north shore, overlooking the harbour bridge, and bared our souls. It was hard to say and even harder to listen to. At that point his pain became as clear to me as mine was. That night for the first tine which had not been forced or false, he turned to me and our daughter was conceived. The whole truth whilst painful also brought intimacy.

Throughout this affair, even whilst I know some will judge me, I’ve told the truth. I even brought my parents up to date with the latest slippages this weekend. It has come latterly this confidence that things will work out, that there is nothing to be afraid of. It has made me clear eyed and able to love with all my soul.

The alternative now looks wretched to me. It sounds counter intuitive and i can see why he’d be afraid to do it ” I need to move back in because otherwise I am open to temptation – she and I  have met, kissed, talked. But she’s gone away now. She can’t deal with my being with you so will be staying out of my way.”

But the alternative to me looks like trying really really hard to make up for something the other person doesn’t even know you’ve done. I imagine him in super ingratiating mode – people pleasing all over the place, perpetuating his worst fault whilst knowing underneath the wretch he really is. I know it, he knows I know it. He knows who he would like to be as well. It’s not that being a liar suits him.

It’s not for everyone, the truth. Many people have a whole life based on a lie. But once you have that confidence you can’t go back. Nor would you want a relationship with someone who isn’t able to be that way.

Next time not to fall madly in love with someone who cannot maintain my standards of integrity – for I recognise the irony in telling the truth myself but having an affair with someone who does not.

So time to stop looking at him and put my clear eyes out to the horizon .


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