Yesterday I had calmed down enough to email and call him. I hate being angry and really hate leaving things on a sour note. I just wanted him to get why he had behaved badly to me once again and this time to her too. That he’d lost himself somewhere along the line and I hoped he might regain himself soon. That of course I would now leave him to get on with it and might see him on the other side.  

It felt like so much trauma had passed between us that I didn’t know what there was left to say really but I just wanted to leave things on a less deranged note.

So I emailed and then called. A much older man picked up the phone and told me that He would not be working for a while now so I should call back another day. I have surmised he has been thrown out, is back at his parents and had a breakdown. 

I burst into tears desperately worried for him. My boss came into the frosted glass room and calmed me down. He pointed out that I cannot help. Me being in any way part of the mix right now would make things worse.  Not only do I know he’s right I really don’t want to talk to him. I imagine his guilt will be utterly raging and mine is too.

To have repeatedly  stated he was committed to making his marriage work, come so far and then undermine his own good intentions again and again by talking regularly to me and seeing me within 2 months…. He will be getting present to what this has cost him in terms of his life and kicking himself for ever having got re involved with me. The consequences for his house, access to his adored children, for his view of himself. And I’m sure he will be blaming me too.

 I blame myself horribly. It doesn’t matter that they were his promises and it was his marriage I have to suffer the consequences of having been complicit  in having wrecked his life. I feel utterly wracked with guilt for it all no matter how many of my friends tell me that he is responsible for his own mess, not me , I am someone who tries to bring good things to people in life, not ruin. This is the worst thing I have ever been party to by a country mile. 

From the first time more than a year ago when my feelings were totally ignited he has been a complete obsession for me . I’ve gained so much joy just talking to him and would take whatever crumbs he would offer me. It is ironic that less than two weeks ago I snapped and hung up for the first time ever,  utterly fed up of being loved then put down every five minutes,

And what happens now? Presumably he will be begging for another chance but she will be out of capacity . This is not like last time . Last time he could be forgiven for having sought solace in what appeared to be a loveless marriage. With all the effort and recommitment that they have just made she must feel utterly betrayed and he the worst man on earth. 

And can there be a future for us amid such devastation? All my friends would say no. That he has covered himself in incoherence, weakness and indecision and that I deserve more. How would I live with being second choice to his wife? With his guilt? With the venom which she will pour in my direction? How would I ever trust him when he went up there to see them? How would I deal with playing second fiddle to his guilt which as a people pleaser will ensure she has him run ragged for years to come?

So it’s down to him now. Can he reconcile himself to the underlying reasons why he couldn’t leave me alone and come out strongly? All the evidence of his recent behaviour would suggest that unfortunately he can’t.  I know the consequences of being involved with him whilst he’s conflicted – I’ve had a year of it and reached the end two weeks ago. 

What a horrible mess. She must feel a vengeful fool. I feel like the complete home wrecking bitch she will have me down as. And he? No wonder he is not functioning.

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