I imagine him lying in bed in terrible pain at his parents house. Hating himself, crying, begging her to reconsider. I wake up in the night thinking about that…

It’s all made up as I don’t know but knowing him as I do…

He’s shut his twitter down. He’s not been in communication for a good few days now; he’s not at work . All this points to him hating himself and trying to prove that he can shut that side of himself down  which was part of his relationship with me. 

And he is two people. The side who married his wife 10 years ago, who’d lived his whole life in one place in a fairly low level job, to the person who has become semi famous in the world we inhabit, a senior person with opportunities . That is my side of him. He will see that the only way to get his marriage back is to shut that whole side of himself down. I am convinced this is what he will try. 

Because the alternative ? If I look back there is no evidence to suggest he has the ability to embrace a relationship with me.  He would never have left her in the first place back at Christmas if she hadn’t found some texts and thrown him out. He would never have come to me if she had shown desire to take him back. Indeed as soon as she started to make noises about wanting him to return, he started to make noises to me about leaving. I allowed myself to get seduced by loving talk which is worth nothing; he has never really put his money where his mouth was. My colleague pointed out that all she has had to do is snap her fingers during this whole affair and he jumps. I on the other hand have had little influence outside of occasional visits.

So their sex life is crap;they don’t have much in common any more; she complains about him not doing stuff around the house. It’s a six out of ten marriage like many others with children and a house and family connections at stake. Having tasted possibility with me, having been loved to distraction, treated like a king, talked to and worshipped, he had the choice to embrace it or go running back to the status quo. He went running back. He ran back but kept a toe in the waters of possibility not able to entirely shut that down, making unfavourable comparisons all the time in his head. 

Right now, I believe he thinks he will put up with anything to have his beloved status quo back. 

I’m starting to see that my colleague who described him as Icarus is spot on; that my friend who described him as spineless is not far off either. 

The safest place for me to stand is that it really is dead now between us. That he will understand in the face of his horror about what he’s done and what has come of it, that he does not desire a new life. He will try all he can to rescue the one he has and he may well succeed in cobbling something together which will keep them going for a while if not forever. I may never find out what has happened to him. 

For almost a year I have been waiting, dangled by him, presented with hope constantly. It is now more than 100 days since he went back to her and still I am waiting for, and at the mercy of a resolution from him.  To expect him to find strength to fight for me at probably his weakest ebb is asking, I suspect, for a miracle. 

I write these words and am on the cusp of accepting them. I can see it all intellectually. At what point will my heart entirely give up?  When it does. Let it be soon. 


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