My head feels muffled. I’m exhausted filled with self hatred and disappointment. My parents are staying and they said last night that they think this is the worst thing I’ve ever been through- worse than my marriage breakdown and they’re right. At least there I behaved with integrity.

The night before last my neighbour rang and came for a cup of tea at 2am and was with me till 4, as her mother had just died; last night my daughter and the cat kept me awake so I’m aware that I’m not particularly rational at the moment. 

On seeing in my news feed that he had been playing with his linked in profile a few days ago I was relieved he was still functioning, yet I was wrong, he had  deleted it at the same time as removing himself from twitter. Indicating to me that he hates himself. 

My head is all over the place – one moment hating him for having so effectively duped me, (wittingly or not) the second brings moments of clarity where I see how little he actually gave me , the third that in my brain I know he will never leave her, and then I am assailed with a moment of hope that she will make it so clear to him he can’t come back to her that in a few weeks he wil call me. 

And my dislike of myself is insidious. I’ve always had high standards for my own behaviour and to have effectively led someone to have a breakdown….To have been unable to say no when he asked to see me.  Yet if I lived it again I would do the same thing again.

Yet amidst it all I am resilient. As my dear colleague said the other day – I’m ok. I have a lovely house, a great job, a huge network of friends, lovely family, a daughter I get lots of joy from, possibilities in front of me. And a holiday in italy to look forward to in exactly two weeks now. I will be ok. He will too – but his life is compromised whatever he does now. I am sure those chats with me were not worth it for him in retrospect. 

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