No, I’m not wallowing but having made the mistake post the break up of my marriage of walking round with a fixed “everything’s fine” grin then collapsing a year later I think it’s better to acknowledge how I feel and whilst I’m not consumed by it any more, my over riding feelings now are of anger, sadness and foolishness.
We women are so ridiculously governed by our hormones. I noticed real irritability earlier this week and counted back exactly 4 weeks to my last period of irritability. I’m alone this week, but have been cheered by lovely pictures of my daughter together with her dad’s girlfriend’s daughter (both girls have the same name, same age and love each other) on their holidays in a cool Dorset. I’m getting my head down at work and preparing the house for my holiday – which has turned out to be more elaborate than usual because my house is being occupied by air bnb-ers for the first time ever! I’ve taken bags of books to charity, hung pictures, tidied book cases, done piles of washing, weeded and cut back the garden.
It’s tricky isn’t it as people’s patience can wear thin with a hard luck case and I know myself genuinely, underneath it all be very lucky, and also to have tested my friends’ patience enormously for a full year.
Yesterday I had a call from a never ending hard luck case. It’s here where I always feel tested, fail, and feel like the most miserable of worms on the planet.
She’s a girl I’ve known for more than 10 years having done a course with her. She returned from overseas a few months back and contacted me for work. I don’t run that area of the business and I would not recommend her anyway because of her appalling lack of social skills. I hadn’t spoken to her for several months and there was long silence punctuated by her ” I don’t think I’m depressed but I’ve been feeling really miserable the last few weeks”. Normally I know how to paint hope for people but in her case she is now 50 and living back at home with her parents. We discussed holidays where she lit up for a few minutes and I talked about a business idea for her which she thought might work – she said she’d like to meet up when I got back from holidays, then we went into a black spot and she was cut off. I was relieved and guilty and irritated. A mutual friend said straight to her “I don’t want to be your friend any more” I simply can’t do that – definitely another blog post in that…
Contrast with another “hard luck case ” I bumped into in the street last night. She’s a Sri Lankan girl I met on the platform several months back and whilst waiting for the train to arrive, in a matter of 15 minutes she had told me everything about herself from family abuse to having been held as a slave to her current employment and living situation (which was both exhausting and dire). From thereon in she looked for me every day and invited me to take tea and cake with her employers (she’s a carer) . I spent a nice hour or so with her elderly charges and she was so delighted we were coming she had laboured over a special cake. She’s now moved to the flat above the dry cleaners in my road, because she works nights we haven’t managed to make arrangements to see each other but she is always so bowled over and ecstatic to see me. It makes me happy that with so little I can make her happy too but I also feel guilty that so little should please her. That and unworthy.
She has had a very hard life but feels incredibly lucky now with her wonderful employers and flat at the top of the road and her paperwork making her legal. Her eyes shine with it.