Rosie and Arlo were reunited on the beach at Sampieri whilst I brought his mum up to speed on the soap opera which has been my life – she was up to date to April.
I told her I was mostly angry with him but still also very sad. She said I was far too British (she’s Argentinian) and did not know how to express my anger and a good slap round his chops might help! The hypnotherapist I have seen from time to time who I rate enormously has sent me a questionnaire to fill about my goals and I can’t think of any. I don’t know what I want now. At times I see the beauty of my life, but mostly I am uninspired. It has felt for some time that nothing was worth having without him, even whilst I see intellectually all the reasons it may not have worked between us.
She thinks the last thing I need is someone to manage me on my goals right now. She’s right that achieving goals has always been something I’ve been excellent at. She thinks I should learn to deal with failure and be less of a control freak. That the fact that I can’t do anything about his decisions is partly what is impacting me so badly as I am used to getting what I want and controlling my environment. I objected. The only domain I don’t get what I want is in relationships with men – which also feels like the most important domain. She countered that even the end of my marriage has not been a failure- I can boast about it being the best divorce in the world.
She suggested I wallow in the failure of my relationship with Him.
I talked about how he made me feel – beautiful, loved, smart. Her view was that when I feel those things without needing him as a mirror, it’s at that point I will meet someone.
It’s been an amazing holiday. Lucky, beautiful, epic. I’m tanned, full of pasta, but still in some anguish. I am going back to a life which doesn’t fulfil me – because perhaps I don’t fulfil myself. I need to look at all that. I’ve made so much progress with myself over the last few years and this is still the missing piece. She is convinced he will be back. I really don’t think he will, but I need to be in a good place to bat him off, if and when he does.