As you know I’ve been stuck like a fly on a web. Unable to let it go – angry, grief stricken and grinding my teeth at night. All the time functioning pretty well on the outside – thank goodness.
I baulked at the idea of therapy as I don’t want to spend months digging around in my psyche at this point but that will be my last ditch if this hasn’t worked.
So last night I went to see a woman I’ve seen 6 times in 6 years. I also paid for Him to see her. He says it was helpful – I’m not sure how. We keep in touch so she knows what’s going on with me but her methods are fast which is why I like her. She talks to you first then does hypnotherapy then comes up with some concrete actions it’s a mix of therapy and Tony Robbins – it doesn’t dwell in introspection for too long.
I’ve only ever had to see her twice on the one issue to get a breakthrough. 6 years ago I could not imagine sitting across the table from a man on a date. After sessions with her I enjoyed a prolific dating life for a while.
So I sat opposite her and tried to think of the episode in my past which this had triggered. How hypnotherapy can work is that you think of the first time you felt like this – normally as a child then in a state of deep relaxation you go back and talk to that child.
I could not think of anything new to say we hadn’t looked at in one of my 6 previous sessions. I told her that whilst intellectually I could see it all – even how awful life would have been if he’d come to me – I could not inderstabd why I was holding onto it. I described to her where my grief and anger came from. The loss of control – it was in his court completely and I find that hard to bear; the fact that I need to win and that when it came to him chosing between her and I, his wife had won; the sense of abandonment from someone who I felt had truly loved me.
We looked at the cost to my life of holding on to all this and I can see it’s horrible but when she asked if I was ready to let it go I could feel my brain still holding on. The idea of letting go also meant giving up.
She did some archetype work with me – with the warrior talking to the lover, the magician and the sovereign which was interesting but I can’t remember her saying anything I could not have said to myself, or one of my friends couldn’t have said to me. Though it helped that she had met him. .
A few things helped:
That no one had won. If I thought his wife had, I should think again as she has a husband she can’t rely on and a miserable marriage.
That he did not have the necessary internal resources to make a life with me.
That rather than being angry I could feel sorry for him
That after effectively eighteen months of this I had become addicted to the uncertainty of it all and that now that there was certainty in the uncertainty that had completely thrown my brain.
That for only 5 weeks in the whole year we were “together” did this look like it could really work between us (outside of the early fantasies) and was going in the right direction. (She let slip that he had described it as an affair consistently).
She believed I just needed to decide now. To chose to let it go by creating a bigger future to live into. That I should get to work on my list of what I want for the rest of my life and create the space for someone who can give me the certainty I need.
I think it’s shifting. I don’t feel angry with him any more. I’m less afraid about bumping into him. I’ve got one or two ideas of what I want to have in my life.
It normally takes a short while for it all to sink in.