Yesterday we played a game called Escape Room. I was locked with three (very nice) colleagues into a room with some clues and we had to find more clues and solve the murder. It was great fun.

I also used my anger highly productively. Tore through back to back meetings being incredibly clear and in my cross ness about golf days  set up a couple of conversations about corporate networking.  apparently the sexes network differently – there have been studies done and papers written so first thing to do is get a hold of them then get some team in place to start turning it round. 

My boss (who I adore) is currently scared of me. I’m normally so reasonable and never complain without offering a solution. Yesterday he checked in with me before using a slide of my arse disappearing up the wall at the Big Show – was it ok to use the slide and call me a combination of Bridget jones and Ranulph Fiennes? Yes, says I, I know I’ve become a rampant feminist overnight but you don’t have to tread on eggshells. How much of this is caused by bitterness   says he? Of course it is, I freely admit, but I’m using it productively. 

So a couple of nights ago His (ex) grassroots football club he organises and runs the twitter feed for,  followed me on twitter. Then unfollowed me today. He can check up on me on twitter without following so clearly it was his  way of saying hello – then he regretted it a day later. 

It’s now been 7 weeks since it reached it’s catastrophic climactic end. An end which had already been long and drawn out. I can see everything intellectually. Who he is . What will never happen between us now. On one level I despise him. But mostly I despise myself for my pathetic neediness. 

No amount of telling me to snap out of it works. I’m trying really hard . I keep coming back to my hypnotherapist point of view that now it just has to be a decision I make. A decision to let it and him go entirely . I get nothing but pain from hanging on to it, nothing but a life currently stalled. 

The clues are big enough. Why can’t I escape from a room I’ve built for myself?!

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