I read a great blog related to Jungs view that when strong emotions come calling, you should not try to cover them up but acknowledge them. Say hello, invite them for a cup of tea and say you’re working through them.
So thank you to the patient friends who are still with me on this journey. I don’t know as I would have your forebearance were the situation reversed. Friends who don’t get it any more and urge me to think happy thoughts – I understand your frustration. I feel it myself .
So yesterday I was looking though a list of the events I was thinking of attending and there he was, speaking at one of them. I went into a cold sweat about the other 10 or so I’m attending or speaking at myself over the next two months. I saw no way round it other than to send him the list and baldly ask him to confirm he was not attending any of them. He duly replied that I was safe.
These are the first words between us for several weeks now. Dear reader I felt the need to tell him what he’s done to me. It was not lengthy or maudlin . I just said that he had exploded a hand grenade in my life and abandoned me to pick up the pieces. That I was close to breaking point. That I had given him all that I am and all that I have. That I understood why he’s made the choices he had but I thought ultimately they were regrettable for all of us. That he had better be happy to justify the sadness he had caused me.
I thought about it and realised that there isn’t anything he can say in return and indeed it would be counter productive for him to do so. So having done it, I then blocked him everywhere I know how to. This surely is progress.
I spoke to my best friend last night. Not only am I grief ridden, I am over tired, over worked and ready to burst into tears at any moment. It’s a combination of a bigger job, the time of year for work, not sleeping and no support from my daughter’s dad (which I usually do get plenty of). My love of work has also been impacted by my grief over him- he has been part of what I do and inspired and caused me for quite a while.
I’m sorry I am still in this loop but this is the biggest trauma I’ve dealt with – worse than my divorce. Baby steps is probably all I can take right now, so hello grief. I hope I say goodbye to you soon and that your neighbour acceptance, rather than anger comes calling.