Yesterday I went to the doctors. I was in one of those uncontrollable crying moods – where I had been most of the weekend. I sat there and wailed the story out whereupon having checked I wasn’t suicidal (I’m not), asked me if I wanted to be signed off work (I don’t) she duly prescribed me SSRIs (anti depressants).
On calming down, I told her that, far from being suicidal, I was essentially hopeful and optimistic about the future. I was just struggling to deal with the present. A present that is filled with anxiety, grief and tiredness,
I was having a conversation with my boss about deferred grief. His mum died recently and he got over it all extremely quickly. He wonders if it’s coming to bite him in the bum but suspects that if he defers it, it will lessen with time anyway. I’m not so sure. I don’t think putting it off makes it any the less powerful when it comes and in the meantime your denial of how you feel has to manifest itself in some way. My grief over my marriage breakup took 6 months to come out at all – but was excruciating when it came.
So all sorts of memories of the last year keep assailing me and I’m letting them come. I understand why he felt he had no choice but to go back, that his guilt was all too much for him, but I wonder how he can bear letting go of the greatest joy he had ever experienced – which was the greatest joy for me too – holding each other at night? I know it was the best feeling in the world for him. I know that’s why he cannot see me or talk to me again because that will make him remember. I wonder if he feels any of the pain I do? The last time we spoke, before the catastrophic ending, he said he thought about me all the time and made comparisons in his head. But the fact remains, he went back to do the “right thing”.
I know that at some point I will look back and wonder how I allowed myself to be treated in the way he treated me – with his comings and goings. How I could not acknowledge how much weaker he is than me.
Meantime I just need to get through each day taking steps to sort myself out. So I had a really useful conversation about my “too much work” with my boss yesterday and saw where I was my own worst enemy and came up with a plan.
And I joined the brigade of people for whom modern life is just too much and started with my anti depressant.