I’ve known for a time that the key for me was to find a bigger game. To give myself up to some higher purpose which lights me up and gives me a different focus. I’ve partially been resisting it because it’s what I do and am good at. The games just get bigger. 

But it wasn’t what I wanted and thought I had for a while there. For a while I thought I could just love and be loved.  What pops into my head from time to time is that I am heading into my late forties and hanging on to causes to give meaning to my life as opposed to just giving myself up to the warmth of domesticity and partnership. 

The Baader-Meinhof phenomenem or synchronicity if you like, dictates that once you decide something, other things come along to reinforce it. You see firebirds everywhere. 

Earlier this year I read a book called Black Hole thinking. In a nutshell the book gave you exercises to discover your strengths and passions, look at the alignment between them and what kinds of things you would like to fill most of your life doing. 

So I established that I am really good at creating communities, at speaking in front of large groups, at building relationships. I’m not bad at understanding what makes people tick and can listen and make connections between what happened to make then a certain way. People talk to me and I’m relatively intuitive, and these days fairly compassionate. That I am passionate about people having great lives where they are fulfilled. That they get obstacles out of the way to do so. 

I wondered how I could develop these talents into something more useful. To be an agent for change in a far bigger way than I currently am. 

Then all the palaver with him came along.

 But I’ve been here before. I know that simply moving into an enquiry creates a different mindset which allows opportunity to show up. No need to rush it, or push it, or make a massive effort. Things just sooner or later align. Then  I got promoted at work which just involved taking another event on and I couldn’t see how that fed in to any of these thoughts at all – it felt like more of the same stuff – a bigger team, more projects but essentially the same.

This week I saw that I couldn’t continue to keep my hands on every tiller so directly. That I had to chose whether to continue to micro manage each project and push it impatiently forward or to develop a team of leaders underneath me which would enable me to do the other stuff I’m good at – and be potentially more useful in the process.

So supported by a brilliant team member, I’ve started a women’s network. It’s been massively oversubscribed already. I spoke there,quite well; I think the forum made a difference to some women and it really underlined to me again what I’m good at. I’ve since started linking with other groups and we are planning a “do” for next years Big Show.

When there were some negative comments on linked in about it , I wasn’t afraid to defend it -as I would have been in the past.

So the upshot of all this is I feel a little better. Whether it’s work, the anti depressants or simply where I am in my hormonal cycle between peri menopausal symptoms and pms I dont know, but in the words of the song, you can’t always get what you want ….


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