I got tired of myself. That’s why I stopped posting. I should be over it. I should have completely moved on.
It has been the strangest time. I’ve felt myself transforming in the best way possible. A culmination of each of the little lessons I’ve drawn from this which have been posted here. I’m more myself than I’ve ever been. The thing about knowing myself to be powerful yet being afraid to allow all of that out because men would be even more scared of me than they already are? That’s transformed – I just decided to be all I can be. And decided the “who does she think she is” conversation to just be so much background noise. I’ve felt truly appreciative of my life, my friends, my family. For the first time ever I am in love with my self and my life. I’ve felt calmer, wiser, more relaxed .
Yet paradoxically, I still struggle with sleeping. I still have tight jaws a lot of the time. I still have him wedged permanently in the back of my mind.
This time last year he was kicked out of the marital home and spent ten days unable to decide what to do – changing his mind every day. I could have dreaded this period – yet I was really looking forward to spending time with my lovely family and friends and proud of the situation myself and my ex had created wherein he, his girlfriend and her daughter and a mix of our relatives would be round the Christmas table. Christmas Eve, however found me weeping until 2am and telling him about how much I still loved him, alone on my sofa. And my jaws are still so tight. And I still wake up halfway through the night with him in my mind. And I still wonder about how he is doing many times a day. I wonder how they are both coming to terms with what has happened. Not knowing is terrible and yet it would do me no good to know .
I’m tired of him being anywhere in my head and wanted him gone before 2016 kicks in.
I am down in Cornwall for new year with friends and decided to book some reiki which I have never tried before.
A lovely older lady called Trish invited me in. I explained my symptoms and she said – I expect you’re still angry. Fuck me how obvious is that?! Me and my reasonable nature, my trying to explain his actions and excuse them. My always seeing two sides to everything. But of course I’m fucking angry! That would explain why when I think of him, sometimes it’s loving thoughts, but mostly it’s imagining him miserable and thinking how much he deserves that.
Because the situation was so volatile for so long I never really processed each thing as if happened yet I know damn well he promised me stuff. He told me to delete all the other men from my phone as it would only be him from hereon in. That he would be the last man I would ever sleep with. That when we moved to our new house we’d have words on the wall to live by. That we would write the book about how to turn an affair into a successful relationship as the stats are so bad. I opened my heart completely to him and he walked all over it. He broke her heart and mine – surely he could have just broken hers and one of us would have been happy!
I hate him for what he did. Yet if he came to my door I would still love him.
I lay there whilst she performed her reiki healing and just was present to so much anger. I decided that I need to shout and scream – so the boys are going to take me somewhere I can do that tomorrow. To the wind. To the sea. To the rain.
Curiously when she finished she said that she saw the name Richard – which happens to be my ex husband. She also saw that I don’t suffer fools and that my lover was a fool.
You will know if you’ve kept up with this that I am highly pragmatic and not religious – or open particularly to spiritual woo woo. But I think I have been narrow minded about that and there is something available from being open to the mysteries of life.
I know right now my intuition says all sorts of things about the year ahead. That it will be great. That I have so much love to give and that lots of men will want it. I have finally understood that I am not some ugly duckling who needs to cling on to a man, but I’m a bloody good catch. It can be painful feeling it spill over and wanting so much to give it to one person , but I now trust that person is there in my future.
I’m enjoying the time I have left as a single person and wondering what big thing I am on the cusp of. It’s something. And I’m grateful, so grateful for the good things in my life.
It’s only a matter of time before the anger leaves me.