Yet again I’ve been surprised at the depth of emotion I still hold pertaining to him. There was more crying to be done on New Year’s Day too. The tight jaws were back. This time grief again as opposed to anger. How many times do I need to go through this loop? And how is he coping with his need to keep it all in and hidden from her?
I realised I still don’t consider it complete. That I can’t see how they can be happy ever after. That it’s a matter of time before it falls apart and he lands back on my doorstep. Contrary to my previous bullish entry – of course I’d let him in.
Constantly busy until now has kept the emotion just at bay – but there has been something hugely cathartic in taking stock this new year in a way I have not done for a very very long time. In among the wind, rain, salt spray, mud, seafood and the quiet company of two old friends, I’ve revelled in myself and the good and bad of where I am in my life – partly believing myself to be on the cusp of something…. Looking at what I need to give my attention to this year to consciously create it. All the while constantly hijacked by my emotions about him and my feeling that he will be back, my inability to let him go entirely a sad fact.
Things are shifting enormously for me right now in the domain of love. I have so rarely been pursued and now have two men convinced they are in love with me. I’ve also got a date in a week or so with a definite probable – I mean someone who ticks all the “relationship” boxes rather than the quick fire sex ones… It is as my friends have said that I never understood what a catch I am. Now I absolutely get that, the world seems to agree.