I have to believe there is greater bliss to come through the hard lessons learnt through chaos and turmoil in 2015 for I do declare right now I am of a mind that for the first 35 years of my life – ignorance was bliss… The last 10 have felt like lesson after lesson to be learnt – grappling with rough waves with my long suffering friends as life rafts.

I have finally learnt to relish my own company . I’m currently spending the day alone and just consumed a crab sandwich and glass of wine.

I’ve learnt and I feel pretty stupid it’s taken this long…to love and value myself. That the right man will value me too and won’t lead me a merry dance.

I now know that I crave a companion. That so much of my busyness would fall away if I could find the right man to love who loves me too. That this is the quest I’m on – not the casual sex one .

That I am capable of causing a great deal and I need a bigger game. That I will be all I can be and not care who choses to scoff or reject me because of it. 

I’ve also decided to be more selective and planned in terms of who I spend my time with – with people who cause or nurture me rather than those who drain. I’ve made a list! 

My daughter needs to show be more respect and be kind. I need to teach her that. 

I have been too black and white in rejecting all spiritual concepts. Some of these things might actually serve me .

Still sad. But full of resolve.

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