River walk – a house I fancy 

 It hasn’t been the most auspicious start back at work.

We’ve gone straight to the quarterly forecasting process which is a huge time sucker with half a million quid to find and the usual arcane system. I end the day with a long to do list I haven’t got to. 

This year, more than any other, feels like coming back to a hamster wheel – which ultimately goes nowhere. I know that work and purpose are created, but perhaps there is something about being part of a large corporate machine which make things on occasion feel futile?

Human beings need to feel that they are making a difference. To be building a cathedral not cutting stones. 

R started pony club today and I’ve used the time to start a declutter process and go for a river walk. 

On my walk I called my dad who had been diagnosed recently with some kind of dementia. It’s taken 9 months and there is still no sign of which type or suggested treatments. It’s been a litany of changed appointments, lost letters and no clear path. I asked him some proper probing questions this morning and realised how frustrated he is. I suggested he go private. He was so grateful for the small interest I showed and advice I gave. I felt bad that my head had been so far up my bottom, I had paid scant attention to date with my mind full to bursting with that idiot man or work.

How many times have I thought I was over it only for it to come back? But it’s been a week since he left that place he was wedged in my head. A week in which when he crosses my mind I can dismiss him. A week in which my jaws have loosened up and I’ve stopped feeling sad. Perhaps the healing is done.

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