My recent stay in Cornwall gave me the chance to finally vent my anger about what he had done to me over the previous year.
I was alone in the mud, wind and rain talking to myself.
I’ve never been good at anger.
Wanting to be liked, with a father who was quick to fury – which terrified me – the tin hat was the Landmark Forum’s insistence that I am entirely responsible for my life. I look at things from every point of view.
But it doesn’t mean I don’t GET angry .
Far from it.
I’ve always had what my friends call my nuclear war head moments – but it isn’t clear pure anger – it’s irritation, snippiness, sarcasm. It’s talking to everyone about what’s happened apart from the person who has pissed me off. It’s talking to myself.
I don’t express it clearly to the person who I am angry with – mostly in case they won’t like me, or will respond with something worse.
This year I committed to myself that I would express my anger. Yesterday I got cross with someone at work who did something behind my back because he knew he would have struggled to get my agreement. I told him very clearly that he didn’t have the authority to promise what he had promised, that he had deliberately cut me out and that he had handled it badly. I felt good that I had expressed myself so clearly.
It comes with confidence. It comes with age.
I have a lot to do with people around 10 years younger than me through work. I share my dilemmas, my sadness, the areas I am still working on myself. Yesterday I was out for lunch with one of them. She’s in a muddle.. I clearly saw that the last ten years have given me perspective which she didn’t have and I advised her.
Have I finally reached the age of wisdom? Does it ever fully come?!