Some of us human beings leave things just that little bit incomplete and not quite the way they should be, as we are determined to scupper ourselves in leading as full a life as possible. If that mild irritation for that thing which always looks a bit messy or that picture which was never hung straight, were to go away, if everything were as it “should” be, then what would we fill our heads with?
I decided in the last quarter of 2015 to make my house the best and most inspiring space it could be. I ordered new carpets which could not be avoided as the old were stained beyond repair. Since the beginning of the year, inspired by the japanese art of tidying – if it doesn’t give you a spark of joy or isn’t useful get rid if it – I’ve been filling bag after bag for charity.
I’ve probably got one more full day of work before I’m done but already my house feels like a different place and it’s made me think about my general way of going about life. My ex husband used to call me “pig” – not just because of my eating habits – but because he imagined me truffling – rushing from one area to the next sniffing around. I know some might find that offensive but it is quite a good metaphor really. My rush and slap dash approach is my greatest strength and weakness.
I get lots done, know lots of people, work fast and am quick witted. The teverse is that I’m untidy, eat too fast (and too much) overspend, can be indiscreet, am impatient and don’t manage my money or my career.
I am on lots of drugs now – for BP, sugar, cholesterol and wonder at this lack of care I’ve shown for myself and my home.
Part of the relief of having him in my life was that I am aching for someone to look after me. If there were someone to support me as he promised , I would be happy to stay a truffling pig with that person who loved me nagging me about the house and my health.
It’s avoiding responsibility I know.
I can’t wait any more. I have to be it all to myself – but that makes me feel sad and unlucky right now.