There is only one other time in my life when I can remember being indifferent to whether I was with a partner or not. That was three or four years ago when we were working to turn around the business I had been made MD of.
Then I was consumed by work.
Aside from that, from my teenage years up, I’ve either been looking, struggling, clutching on to love, or resigned about ever finding it.
Whether she was communing with higher spirits or not, the tarot reader was right. Right that I take time to heal, to be on my own, to rediscover simple pleasures I have been blind to for years in my chaotic, rushed blundering at life.
There’s nothing wrong with being hugely action oriented as I am, but what has been missing is clear purpose. Outside of the desire to have someone to love, to get promoted as quickly as possible, to have fun with friends, what has been the point of all that rushing around ?
My life right now is distinguished by an extreme calm. I sleep like the dead. I walk more slowly. My to do list is shorter. I am thinking. Thinking and waiting for things to emerge.
I am starting to define where I want my energy to focus and it has something to do with the wellbeing agenda. I am passionate about people doing whatever it takes to live as full a life as possible. To get emotional obstacles out of the way so that they fulfil who they really are inside.
A bit like the course I went on which described the way to find a high value man as taking intelligent action, it’s interesting that in this area, as in the rest of my life, I have always preferred to throw mud at walls.
The idea of deciding then taking intelligent action around it, is confronting – because failure is possible.