The truth will set you free

Quite a few people asked me how I was doing last week given that during the show this time last year the huge success we created was overshadowed by the tumultuous but brief reconciliation with my married man. 

One of my colleagues said I was a better woman for it. Far from being diminished by the affair,  I am stronger and more powerful in the face of having come through that pain. 

As time goes on my fearlessness and love just grows. 

There is something inside me which drives me to seek and speak the truth about myself but I understand and don’t judge people who sit and stew in awful situations which demand them to hide their feelings because they are afraid of the truth.

 10 years ago I justified to myself  for several years why I should stay in a marriage which didn’t fundamentally make either of us really happy. The fear of not having enough money; of failure; of being judged; of losing his family; of making mine ashamed. Most of all the fear of never meeting anyone else. 

To some extent these fears were justified…..I did spend a few years counting every penny, I was in grief and ill for the same number, and my mum still hasn’t told all her friends I am divorced (which incidentally, I am now able to laugh at her about…). But I am self expressed, proud and free.

The difficult days seem to be  behind me, mostly because of the resilience I have been forced to develop. The roller coaster, in which I am truly myself, is better than the alternative. If I had stayed I would have ended up small, bitter and full of self justification. This is the way I was going….Now I am big (and not just in girth) and full of love. I can even love those stupid fuckers who voted for the UK to leave the EU #brexit 😉 though it’s hard at times!

For with love and truth behind you,  you can be anything…. 

with the wonderful Kate Adie at the show 

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Life is long

  fun fun fun

It’s not true that life is short- especially these days. As the last to suffer from the curse of procrastination, I’m already panting like a rabid dog to do it all and do it all now.  I fight for what I want – grab onto it tooth and nail.

The challenge for people like me – who live with a degree of velocity – is to slow down, calm down and let things unfold a little….

I’ve talked about fate in these pages. My belief it has to be utter bollocks that our life is in any way pre ordained and yet I do believe that character is destiny.  I’ve been learning to trust my instincts that the right things will come up when  I need them to because of who I am – not because someone has mapped a path for me. 

And I’ve learnt that in the main I am someone who deals well with the durm und strand of it all – except , oh except when the madness of disappointment in love takes over.

Given that was how this blog started how are we on that point now then? Are we, as one friend put it “healed”?

Well, on the one hand the whole experience has strengthened me. I recognise my power far more than I ever did, my career, social life, empathy and confidence have all expanded – aided by my little list of life priorities completed at new year. 

On the other, there is still a disappointing latent tension in my jaws which I never had  pre Simon. I can only hope and be confident that that will ultimately disappear. I find the mention of his name and any reference to the “affair” to be embarrassing. I don’t expect to see him at my show next week (about which there was all the panic las year) but I would not know how to deal with him if I did. I want him to be very unhappy. I want him to suffer. All of which indicate that I am not entirely all right yet. 

The other thing I still shrink from is any desire whatsoever to date. I listen to stories of rough patches in relationships around me, understand the compromises people make to stay together but also know that I am never now of a mind to compromise. That I think I would rather please myself forever than stay somewhere through powerlessness or fear of the alternative. 

Yet I know that three times in my life I have utterly lost myself in love.  I’ve thought my life would be completely devoid of colour without that person.

 Is there such a thing as falling in love reasonably?
Anyway, back to the title of this blog. Its now 9 years since we returned from Australia, toddler in tow, and decided to separate. 9 years in which I’ve built quite  a good career, bought two houses, had lots of lovely holidays , fallen in love, suffered and laughed. And grown and changed. 

Life is long with many chapters. Each chapter provides something new which you can either use to expand or shrink. I’ve used the last six months to take every pleasure I can in life. I have a new path I want to take for my career. I am confident that I will tackle my expanding waistline later this year. And perhaps love will ultimately unfurl…