Quite a few people asked me how I was doing last week given that during the show this time last year the huge success we created was overshadowed by the tumultuous but brief reconciliation with my married man.
One of my colleagues said I was a better woman for it. Far from being diminished by the affair, I am stronger and more powerful in the face of having come through that pain.
As time goes on my fearlessness and love just grows.
There is something inside me which drives me to seek and speak the truth about myself but I understand and don’t judge people who sit and stew in awful situations which demand them to hide their feelings because they are afraid of the truth.
10 years ago I justified to myself for several years why I should stay in a marriage which didn’t fundamentally make either of us really happy. The fear of not having enough money; of failure; of being judged; of losing his family; of making mine ashamed. Most of all the fear of never meeting anyone else.
To some extent these fears were justified…..I did spend a few years counting every penny, I was in grief and ill for the same number, and my mum still hasn’t told all her friends I am divorced (which incidentally, I am now able to laugh at her about…). But I am self expressed, proud and free.
The difficult days seem to be behind me, mostly because of the resilience I have been forced to develop. The roller coaster, in which I am truly myself, is better than the alternative. If I had stayed I would have ended up small, bitter and full of self justification. This is the way I was going….Now I am big (and not just in girth) and full of love. I can even love those stupid fuckers who voted for the UK to leave the EU #brexit 😉 though it’s hard at times!
For with love and truth behind you, you can be anything….