To my stalkerĀ 

I’m fascinated by what makes you tick.

How can you still be thinking of a life with me when you live in a country which means you have to get a visa from the government to visit mine, when message after message on a daily basis goes unread by me, or read and ignored, when the last time I had any communication with you was 5 months ago?  

What kind of fantasy world do you live in where you think you are in love with someone you have never met?

How can the very act of-unblocking you, be for you a sign that you should still harbour hope in my direction? How often do you check if I’m there and have unblocked you, that the day I do so you come leaping up with several more messages about how you can’t forget me?

So last night overcome by curiosity, I unblocked you on whatsapp – up you sprang so I blocked you again. I then sat up for an hour reading all those messages and listening to all those recordings you had sent me which I ignored utterly at the time. All the same. Protestations of undying love and assertions that I don’t believe you and/or am frightened of you.

 Those assertions are what had led me to respond to you in the past. My indignation that just because you think you love me that my unwillingness to engage is because I don’t believe you

I am just not interested in you. 

Is it your culture, your previous arranged marriage which makes you not understand that? That any woman pursued by a man should immediately feel the same?

I don’t think you are doing it to other people because remember at Christmas your sister rang me and said I should give you a chance!

I understand obsessive love. I don’t understand this. 

How ironic that of all the dodgy websites I have been on to meet men the one which yields the true oddball is Linked in!

Liar liar liar

I am more convinced than ever that most relationships are pretty fucked up. 

Women’s retreat this weekend

Or  am I just a magnet for the worst tales? 

I’ve been told twice in the last few days that I have the most interesting stories…Perhaps when life is smooth and dull you attract people whose lives are also smooth and dull….whilst when you live a little further to the edge people tell you their woes and actively seek you out, knowing you won’t judge? Or perhaps people who speak to me are honest because I am honest.

I don’t know. But today I had reason to feel lucky that my story wasn’t as bad as my friend’s. 

My lovely psychologist who came over from Oz very early in January and provided the perfect end to my “putting to bed the awfulness of 2015” trip to Cornwall – with her life affirming -ness, her successes, her happiness… Is over in the UK again. 

She has fallen in love – with a Dane living in London – who was preparing to move to join her and her kids in Sydney later this year. They had spent lots of time between Europe and Oz, skyped and texted constantly … It was a grand affair, the love of her life

On arriving in London having traveled 30,000 miles to be with him, to accompany him to Denmark for his granny’s funeral, she prepared to Skype her kids and came across a conversation with “Electra”. A brusque conversation lasting several months, the gist of it being “I’m naked come over”.

He’s flying back from Florida this morning to meet her at his flat and she knows it’s over. She can’t trust him again. His best friend is dismayed – she knows he really is in love with her and that he will be devestated. 

Is he, a manipulative narcissist who just takes what he wants in life or a genuine guy who’s fucked up. 

Can his type of love be real love?

I know enough cases – not thousands but certainly handfuls – of cases of true lasting love. This would just not happen to those people.

I cried when she told me that it had made her lose her trust in men completely. It brought up so much stuff for me too. Whilst I’m happy, genuinely happy, and settled and content – with even the latent tension in my jaws disappearing – the idea of meeting and dating another man seems far away, and if I’m truthful, pointless.